It had to hurt that bad for me to value the process and the lessons picked along the way. Negative words, arrows shot at me from people I least expected. Even what was thought as the close circle, sometimes felt like walking on sharp nails. I had to keep going, I had to keep moving coz staying still meant more piercing, a bigger scar which then translated to a longer healing period.
It was not a battle against me; which is why I am not bitter at anyone who was involved, it was a battle against destiny. I know this because it was bigger than me, I couldn’t fight, I didn’t wanna keep running, I felt like I was in a marathon without an end. But I somehow kept going. I had strength every morning, unusual strength to do life and pour out in people’s lives-This, I couldn’t comprehend.
I had no room to be vulnerable, to be real or to make a mistake because it would have been costly. I am human so I made several of those and I remember wanting the piercing nails back because the fire hurt more than the nails. Arrows that pierced my heart, words that crushed the very core of who I was, who I am.
I wondered, I searched-silently; And I fell in His arms, I fell in His heart. His love was so tangible, I found a tender spot that I didn’t want to let go. It was sweet and intimate, I had occasions where I tangibly felt Jesus holding my hand(I mean it, I physically felt it)
My manuscripts are filled with tears. I see how challenging it was. I was burning up but it looked like I was cruising. My skin was stretched beyond me but somehow, I can’t explain how, my heart was oozing out love. There were times it was painful love but it was real, service from my heart.
I miss it. I miss the intimacy with the Holy Ghost. I see how He walked with me through it and I’m amazed. I wanna go back to that level of closeness.
I wouldn’t have valued it as much if it didn’t hurt so bad. It wouldn’t have been such a huge testimony if the opposition wasn’t as great. I wouldn’t have felt the relief it didn’t burn.
This Easter, praise Him in the pain, seek Him in tough situations. Trust me, when it’s done, your bond with Jesus will go a notch higher. You’ll realize He was walking with you the whole time…Value the pain process!
A little door into my heart……